Processing Grief in Isolation, How to Navigate Despair

Every year the American Psychological Association (APA) surveys people across the United States about stress. The introduction to the results of 2020 survey¹ declares:

We are facing a national mental health crisis that could yield serious health and social consequences for years to come.

Stress in America 2020- The American Psychological Association

The results are likely not surprising to anyone at this point. Covid has forced Gen Z (those aged 18-23) to face an uncertain future. It has disrupted education, work, events, and travel. While early on there were media teasers of a potential baby boom what has occurred is a baby bust. In the province of BC, Canada  December of 2020 saw a more than 20 % decrease in the average number of births². These results are echoed elsewhere. In Italy, one of the first outbreak hotspots, births in 15 cities plummeted 22% in December of 2020³. Japan saw the fewest newborns on record. In France, births Fell 13% in January 2021. In addition, there has been a spike in break-ups and divorces in many countries⁴.

And all of these issues are running parallel with a grisly worldwide death toll⁵.

We are in midst of collective grief but we are experiencing it without rituals, ceremonies, and community support to help us through.

We are experiencing our collective grief in isolation.

As someone who has lost people to the virus as well as other causes, my personal grief has been vaporous. It is a fog that is ever-present but somehow not solid enough to allow for mourning. 

This article will examine grief, the importance and purpose of ritual in processing death, and how to heal in isolation.

Grief Rituals

Cultures have diverse and deeply symbolic rituals around death. Sky burials, sea burials⁶, cremation pyres⁷, wakes⁸, bagpipes at funerals⁹, all constitute ways to process grief. In their familiarity within cultures and communities, they provide a sense of normalcy. Additionally, they provide ways for communities to support the bereaved.

Grief Without Ritual

Covid has caused not only death but the inability to engage in the rituals and ceremonies of mourning¹⁰. This takes various forms. Families being unable to carry out the Islamic custom of bathing the body before burial in Egypt, cremations meaning no velorios (wakes) in Mexico, no funeral pyres on the Ganges River in India.

Funerals must be kept small and many grieve alone.

The results of research from the University of São Paulo on the consequences of this were¹¹:

The suppression or abbreviation of funeral rituals is a traumatic experience because family members are prevented from fulfilling their last homage to the loved one who has suddenly passed away, causing feelings of disbelief and indignation.

A study on Prolonged Grief Disorder and Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder prevalence in the bereaved of COVID-19 concluded with a rate of 37.8% having PGD and 39.9% PCBD¹². 

Such findings are serious. They translate to a large number of people enduring complicated grief.

Complicated Grief involves bouncing between the stages of grieving without resolution. It negatively affects the bereaved’s ability to heal.

Alternative Rituals and Making Space for Mourning

As the end of the pandemic seems to be in sight we should prepare for a grief hangover. A lack of ritual, community support, and touch is bound to leave some wounds open. We will need to make space for mourning as society adjusts.

For those currently navigating grief there are creative alternative support options and rituals.

Online and Text-Based Options

Text/Chat based Therapy:

This can be either with a licensed human therapist or an AI-operated chatbot. This method is controversial but there are pros and cons.

Pros: Accessibility,cost, ideal for those with a preference for typing over talking.

Cons: A lack of intake evaluation, inability to read facial cues or tone, a tendency to self-censor, a lack of human connection, time lags in communication.

Online Therapy:

This can be inclusive of Text/Chat Therapy but also video sessions.

Pros: An intake form and being matched with a therapist based on this, cost (this can vary but is still less expensive than in-person therapy).

Cons: Treatment and responses can be generic and impersonal, differing time zones, you will likely have to sign up (and pay) on a per month basis.

The Dinner Party:

A platform for grieving 20- and 30-somethings to find peer community and build lasting relationships. They screen, train, and support a growing network of peer hosts. Then they connect them to 12-15 people nearby, who share a similar age and loss experience. 

Pros: This is grief focused and economical, while the age limit is also a con it is in place because this is an underserved age range (and it is being expanded to age 45), it is community-based support from those going through a similar loss.

Cons: The age limit, if trying to navigate the challenges of complicated grief it is probably best in conjunction with therapy.

Virtual Mourning Ceremonies:

Serves the function of an in-person funeral in providing a place for shared community mourning and remembrance.

Pros: Can help mourners feel less isolated, offers the familiarity of ceremony in a new form.

Cons: Sometimes runs contrary to tradition (for example, some Orthodox rabbis have disapproved of sitting shiva over Zoom), the lack of human touch and in-person comfort.

Tips for Self-Care

• Practice Stress Management:
  •  Learn to use meditation techniques, mindfulness, or other ways of relaxation such as gardening, reading, or writing letters
• Learn a New Skill
• Give Back by Volunteering while Social Distancing
• Pick up the phone when you need to hear a human voice

Practice Personal Ritual

Rituals are controlled gestures and they provide the feeling of being in control.
There are personal rituals people can practice which can offer this feeling.

A 2014 article from The Atlantic¹³ highlighted that after people did a personal ritual or wrote about doing one, they were more likely to report thinking that “things were in check” and less likely to feel “helpless,” “powerless,” and “out of control.”

Such rituals can be deeply personal. Examples provided include:

• A woman who lost her mother would “play the song by Natalie Cole ‘I miss you like crazy’ and cry.

• A man whose wife passed away wrote: “In these fifteen years I have been going to hairdressers to cut my hair every first Saturday of the month as we used to do together.”

• Another woman, whose husband died, said she still washes his car each week as he had done when he was alive.

Collective Grief

At the start of the pandemic, the sense of community was strong, and there was a genuine feeling that we were all in this together. As time went on though, people had to manage their own individual struggles and the pandemic served to highlight preexisting inequalities and tensions.

However, we are all still grieving something. And as our grief is collective our healing should be as well.

This requires outreach and check-ins. It requires ritual, solidarity, and support. And it requires an acknowledgment within societies that the transition back will not look the same for everyone.

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Sources

1. Stress in America 2020: A National Mental Health Crisis-APA
2. BC Vital Statistics Agency
3. Global Baby Drought of Covid-19 Crisis Risks Population Crunch, Catherine Bosley, and Michelle Jamrisko, Bloomberg
4. Why the Pandemic is Causing Spikes in Break-ups and Divorces, Maddy Savage, The Life Project-BBC
5. WHO Coronavirus (COVID-19) Dashboard
6. 7 Unique Burial Rituals Across the World, Tim Newcomb
7. 9 Death Rituals from Around the World, Phil Norris, Matador Network
8. Why the Irish get Death Right, Kevin Toolis, The Guardian
9. Why are bagpipes played at funerals?, History.Net
10. How the World Has Learned to Grieve in a Pandemic, Claire Felter, Lindsay Maitland, and Sabine Baumgartner, Council on Foreign Relations
11. The effect of Suppressing Funeral Rituals during the COVID-19 Pandemic on Bereaved Families, Érika Arantes de Oliveira Cardoso, Breno César de Almeida da Silva, Jorge Henrique dos Santos, Lucas dos Santos Lotério, Aline Guerrieri Accoroni, Manoel Antônio dos Santos, Revista Latino-Americana de Enfermagem
12. Who suffered most after deaths due to COVID-19? Prevalence and correlates of prolonged grief disorder in COVID-19 Related Bereaved Adults, Suqin Tang, Zhendong Xiang, Globalization and Health
13. In Grief, Try Personal Rituals, Emily Esfahani Smith, The Atlantic

Resources

1. Tips for Combating Complicated Grief
2. Despite losing our rituals, we can still find ways to grieve during the pandemic, Rober Braid, CBC
3.  Ritual and Grief in the time of COVID-19, Kelly McCutcheon Adams, MSW, LICSW, The Conversation Project
4. Is Text-Based Therapy Effective? Elizabeth Yuko, lifehacker
5. The Dinner Party
6. shiva.com
7. What You’re Feeling is Grief, Nylah Burton, Vox
8. That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief, Scott Berinato, Harvard Business Review
9. Online Therapy Programs, Amy Morin, LCSW, Very Well Mind
10. Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness after Loss and Grief, Sherry Cormier Ph.D 
11. Self-Care for Grief, Nneka M. Okona
12. Rumination-Unraveling Solutions from the Maze of Overthinking, Optimistic Learner