Forgiveness and Restorative Justice: How Do We Forgive? Should We?

When I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu

About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a virtue often touted but rarely fully explained. How do we forgive? Vengeance appears more natural, the impulse to strike back when struck. To, at the very least, wish ill on those who have harmed us. Isn’t it the logic of evolution to reassert ourselves? To level the playing field.

“Survival of the fittest” (a term coined by the social Darwinist Herbert Spencer) fails to account for how many of our traits arose from how social we are. Cooperation and community were essential aspects of our survival and success as a species. And the expansion of harm does not strengthen community ties.

About Justice

The system of justice in North America (and most former colonies) has evolved from its colonizer. In the case of North America, English Common Law. It is formed from procedures and decisions. It is adversarial in nature. There is an acknowledgment of the importance of community, in that it prosecutes individuals as though they victimized the society (the state). But the system is punitive.

So while forgiveness is exalted, and presented as an aspirational trait, our society contains few models of it. In legal cases, should the individuals harmed forgive their perpetrator, they will at best be given a chance to voice this. But justice will ultimately be decided by others serving as representatives of society.

In this article, we will explore the whys and hows of forgiveness. Because while we are often told it is good to forgive. It is rarely detailed why that is. Or how to do it.

We will also briefly touch on restorative justice. Humans tend to accept the world as it is presented to them. One goal of Optimistic Learner is to widen the lens from which we view the world. To explore the origins of our behaviors as well as the reasoning behind societal norms we take for granted. And to explore what the alternatives might be.

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Why Forgive?

Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger.¹ As stressed in the opening quote by Desmond Tutu, forgiveness allows people to move on, rather than be kept emotionally engaged in an injustice or trauma. This has positive implications for our physical, as well as our mental, health. A study from Emory University found that people who hold grudges are more likely to have high blood pressure and die of heart disease.² As related by Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultations Clinic at Johns Hopkins, “Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression heart disease, and diabetes.” In contrast, “Forgiveness, calms stress levels, leading to improved health”.³ 

Forgiveness is not the same as condoning someones’ actions. And reconciliation is not a requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the grip of anger in order to find peace.

How to Forgive

The case for forgiveness is easy to make. But how exactly do you do it? Forgiveness is work. It is a process.

Forgiving Deeply and Practicing Empathy

In her powerful Tedx Talk writer Sarah Montana walks the audience through her ability to forgive the young man who murdered her mother and brother. One of the more difficult stages of this process was her realization that she had not forgiven him already.⁴ She had stated she forgave, but this was because of the expectations she was placing on herself. It was not actual forgiveness. 

It is necessary to forgive deeply. This means more than forgiving because you expect it of yourself or your faith mandates it. While even saying you forgive might offer some comfort, true forgiveness offers freedom.

One difficult aspect of forgiveness is to practice empathy for the person who harmed you.⁵ Sarah found this when she learned of the deplorable conditions in the prison her mother and brother’s murderer had been sent to. When she viewed him as a human being she was able to find empathy. 

We are all the products of how we were nurtured into the world or what traumas we faced in our development.

An important aspect of practicing empathy is understanding that this is as true for others as it is for you.

The Process of Forgiveness

You will likely arrive at forgiveness in your own way and time. It is important to respect that it is a process.

In the extreme example given above Sarah found comfort in a tenant of Judaism. This states one is prohibited from “forgiving” an evildoer on someone else’s behalf (absent the latter’s consent to do so). One can forgive only the harm and injury done to oneself.⁶ So in the Jewish ethical tradition, a blanket of “forgiveness” should not be extended to the murderer by surviving friends or family, except in so far as they forgive the harm done to them. To Sarah, this offered something of a way forward. She was not forgiving the act of murder. But the resulting pain it caused her.

It is important to know when and what you are able to forgive. You may need to reflect, to let go of any expectations you are holding as conditions for forgiveness, to write or talk out your feelings.

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Restorative Justice

It should be stated at the outset that restorative justice does not require forgiveness. But what it shares with forgiveness is a focus on the acknowledgment of harm and healing.  One of the responses to a crime is to organize a meeting between the victim and the offender, sometimes with representatives of the wider community. 

In 2016 Oeindrila Dube was interviewed on the podcast Hidden Brain.⁷ She provided insight into both the pros and cons of Fambul Tok, a version of restorative justice from Sierra Leone. Following Sierra Leone’s violent and destructive civil war people would often find themselves neighbors to those who had maimed them, or harmed or even killed members of their family. 

How does a society recover from being violently torn apart?

Fambul Tok is Creole for family talk. It is a ceremony steeped in tradition. There’s a bonfire, and around this bonfire, victims testify to the atrocities they experienced. Perpetrators admit to crimes and seek forgiveness. 

Dube’s research found the ceremonies served as a powerful force for societal healing. However, there were negative consequences on individuals’ psyches as a result of reliving traumatic experiences. More research is needed, but her studies imply combining such ceremonies with therapy to address resulting depression or PTSD. 

What various types of restorative justice share is that they center the actual victims of the offense rather than treating the offense as a broader crime against the state. It is in this sense that such a form of justice can give victims back their voice and a sense of control. The ability to address what harmed them and made them feel powerless.

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Reclaiming Power With Forgiveness

While restorative justice does not demand forgiveness what it shares with forgiveness is a reclamation of power. When one reaches the point of being truly able to forgive it can offer a sense of being liberated from past experiences. Ideally, forgiveness should be worked through with care and thoughtfulness and not solely out of a sense of moral or religious duty.

Restorative Justice is worth consideration and study as a way to create healthy societies and center the survivors of trauma.

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Sources From the Article

1. Forgiveness, Psychology Today
2. How Holding Grudges Can Shorten Your Life, neurocore
3. Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It, Johns Hopkins
4. The Real Risk of Forgiveness-And Why It’s Worth It, Tedx Talk by Sarah Montana
5. Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness, Mayo Clinic
6. Murderers, Psychotherapy and the Flight Into Forgiveness, Ronald Pies, PHD, Psychiatric Times
7. The Paradox of Forgiveness, Hidden Brain
   
   

Further Reading About Forgiveness and Restorative Justice

1. The Power of Forgiveness, Harvard Medical School
2. Fambul Tok, Catalyst for Peace
3. Restorative Justice International
4. How to Forgive
5. The Forgiveness Project
6. The Cooperative Human